Dr Strangecow, or How to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love Soymilk

It's a simple process, really, and anyone can do it, given enough time. In my case, it only took 30 years. There are a number of steps, though, and the time spent in any one can vary widely from person to person, I imagine.

First, after beeing weened from human milk, switch to good, honest, all-American, pasteurized, homogenized Whole Milk. Even the very name echoes just how Whole-some it is. Enjoy how it's thick, rich texture integrates chocolate syrup with ease. Drink up for many years.

One day, likey coinciding with a sudden heightend awareness of health issues due to an elder relative, switch to 2%. Revel in its healthfulness! It's barely distinguishable from Whole Milk, especially given the circumstances. Enjoy it on the new bran-a-licious cereal you're trying. Before long, you'll grow used to the different colored trim on the jug, and it will seem just as good as that thick, evil old stuff.

Eventually, you'll fall for and live with a non-fan of milk, someone who won't tolerate anything thicker than 1% on their occasional bowl of cereal or in their few-times-yearly mug of hot cocoa. In loving deference, compromise, and start picking up the 1%. Besides, it's only 1% different, right? Plus, it's that much better for you! Again, revel in domestic harmony and heightened health!

At some point, possibly around the time you actually start giving a damn about your own diet, heed the suggestion of your caring spouse and try Skim. It'll taste thin and weak, and look entirely too translucent at first. It won't mix well with your prefered dark chocolate syrup either. Put up with it for a while, perhaps a year or so if you're particularly masochistic.

By now, you'll be seeking alternatives. Oh, sure, you could go back to richer milk, but you've come this far and learned to tolerate so much already; surely there is some other option. Fortunately, there is. Temptingly packaged, and right next to the ol' moo-juice on the shelf : try the chocolate soymilk. Enjoy its well-mixed flavor and thick, creamy texture! It's not as full-bodied as Whole Milk, but it's better then Skim, maybe even the 1%, too. Of course, you can't drink chocolate with everything. That's when you test the waters (taste the milks?) of the flagship milky-soy-beverage: vanilla soymilk. It'll work on cereal, in a glass, or in baking. It's a touch pricier, to be sure, but by now you're desperate for a milk that doesn't suck. At long last, your perseverence has paid off; finally, you understand.

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